Fluttering Heart

Photograph by Lucie Camp

Today God captured my heart and I felt like I was falling deeper in love with Jesus. I awoke to the most amazing display in the sky. Clear baby blue with whispy clouds everywhere. The morning sun was absolutely beautiful and the fresh morning air was cool against my skin(I was walking back home from S's btw). At that moment all I could say was "Wow. God. Wow. You did this for me." Whispy clouds are my fav & I felt very special this morning :)

Photog class was great. I felt extra chirpy :) And like all other photog days, there was that constant number of failed attempts, but I'm glad i didn't get discouraged like I did on monday. Learnt a few tips from CY. He's my fav lecturerrrrrrrrr, I love how he explains things to me in a manner which I understand and can learn from :) I felt like I was in my zone. If you get what I mean. Hahahah and it felt awesome.

The most amazing thing happened in the evening. Around 6:15om half of the corridoors of design school was filled with this YELLOW light from the setting sun. Like the whole hallway literally turned yellow. It. Was. So. Magical. I tried to capture it on my phone but it wasn't the same so I stood at the hallway to absorb that moment. Body, mind and soul. I was absolutely in awe of God Himself as a being, a living God that could do all that and so much more. And my heart couldn't stop singing praises. I fell in love with God more and more and He has captured my heart all over again. I left school playing "Indescribable" on my ipod.

Photograph by Hela Polka

You see the depths of my heart, and You love me the same.
You are amazing God.

We Hope You Enjoyed Your Stay

Photograph by Fergus Padel

Photograph by Jens Kaesemann

At heart, all grief centres around the realization that you can never escape the bereavement that has stricken you. There may be moments when you can cope with its severity; when the harshness temporarily lessons. But the real problem with grief is its perpetuity. It doesn't go away. And though you are, on one level, always crying for the loss you've sustained, you're also crying because you realise you're not stuck with the loss, that - try as you might - it's become an intrinsic part of you, and will change the way you look at things for ever.

When you come undone

Photographs from www.zipia.net

I feel like loading my wardrobe with zipia stuff. Oh man, save me from these lustful eyes of mine O.O

Silent Words

Photograph by Kamila Kulik

Today a thought came up to my mind. About how there are certain things that shouldn't be shared with anyone at all because they're better off kept inside. It's been very tiring today. Gotta catch up on some rest before I watch myself crash and burn this week.

God has been very amazing to me, showing me what it was like to lead a more spontaneous life. I had so many heart to heart talks with different friends today than I would ever have within a month! It was mind blowing and amazing.

I serve an awesome God.

A Dream Is Just A Dream

Photograph by Oleg Korolko

Someone New

Photograph by David Montes

I've prolly packed like 2/3 of my entire lifespan's worth of things at home. I am so exhausted and I haven't done anything for school tmr and all I want to do is just sleep.

Strange dreams & Pretty whispers

Photograph by Nicole

I woke up forgetting it was my birthday until I saw my phone streaming in with smses. I love birthday hugs/handshakes or personal birthday wishes! Funny how I got more birthday wishes on fb tho. Strange world out there... or maybe I'm the strange one...

19th, friends from poly ambushed me outside the toilet with awesome brownie with oozing chocolate all over nom nom nom :) 20th, Mexican birthday dinner along with margaritas with good ole buds, and beer at the playground with childhood friends. I really thank God for my life, and for the friends who love and appreciate me :)

Had some strange and sad dreams yesterday, really liked how someone whispered something to me cos it made it seem special somehow... , I'm drowning in endless junk at home trying to pack like crazy. I feel so sad to depart from all my childhood treasures I've kept and piled up over all these time. Feeling sentimental again about leaving, & I've been taking lots of b&w photos of my house area! Realising a lot of things about myself from my collections since childhood... errr I played L4D2 today which is really really tough and slightly traumatizing except the fact that I was a samurai kid which was like totally cool. like cool you know.... samurai sword all....my brain's been replaying the scene of the weird fish at 0:20 of this video



I think I'll excuse myself from the cyberworld until my family has transited out of this mega change. Somehow I forsee myself still coming back to post things...

Maybe I should go light hunting...

Courage

Photograph by Pedro Luque

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 1 Timothy 1:7

A Disposition To Cry.

Photograph by Lara Alegre

Today was filled with regret and I was, actually I still am kinda, low-spirited. Let's just say I did something I shouldn't have, - wasn't too hard about it, but I was very hard on myself. "Like what the hell mary. Go shove your face against the wall. Now." In my utmost angst I cried in the toilet. I'm leaving out the details lest I get all teary and upset again. Actually, I already am again. Sigh.

Then rolled in a miscommunication which resulted in a very pissed mom, sister and myself. Cabbed and rushed my way down only to receive more insulting comments. I certainly felt like a piece of crap & cried while eating dinner at Ikea.

There are many times I do not understand whatever happened to me. Did I deserve it? I'm not sure. Sometimes I wish I could say many words but end up refraining myself. Other times I wish I could have done something for someone/to someone but didn't have the courage to do it. Why didn't I?

All I know was that everytime I end up in tears, I prayed the same simple prayer "O God, O God save me please."

& I know God's right here with me. Which makes everything so much better.

Photograph by Mary Amor

A few days/weeks/years down the road, I'll probably understand why I had to go through this. Probably to help someone else who went through it too. Probably to teach me mistakes I should never repeat again. Nevertheless, God's here with me through every storm, and He'll see me through all the way.

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On the side note, I'll like to say something here. If you ever see me upset publicly please don't pat my shoulder or tell me "it's okay" or "are you okay?" or give me a hug(maybe hugs are okay. actually I'm not sure. At such situations I have a love hate relationship with hugs). As much as I appreciate your concern, such acts reminds me of why the hell I was crying/upset in the first place. It's almost like rubbing it in further and makes me feel worse because then I'll truly end up in more tears.

I guess for me, it'll work better if you tried to change the subject and talk to me normally, or make me laugh or something else. It sucks to look vulnerable in front of people. I mean I'm only human. You wouldn't want to end up crying in front of someone right?

Photograph by Lianafides Frappa

Enough said. I have much work to do for tmr's presentation. Goodbye cyber world, looks like sleep's gonna have to wait till tmr night!

Enigma

Photograph by Pavel Morozov

That song yesterday. Why?

Follow The Light

Photograph by Rebecca Mianaolsson

Nobody really knows
Where they're supposed to go
Hiding behind a wall
Afraid that they'll lose it all
But it's alright
Just follow the light
And dont be afraid of the dark
In the moonlight
You'll dance till you fall
And always be here in my heart.

Cream Fingers

Photograph by Amber Marie Chavez

I'm starting to change my waking up habit! I usually take like 1hr to wake up? Meaning if I have to wake up at 7am, my alarm clock starts ringing at 6am, 6.15am, 6.30am, 6.45am & 7am. Even then, with the radio switched on, my fan switched off, and the sun shining in my face, I still oversleep. So now I'm changing it. If I have to wake at 7am, I will only set alarm at 7 and 7.05am. If by then I do not wake up, I have told my maid to spray some water in my face.

Thankfully, I woke up today according to plan at 8am without difficulties :D Had a great start to my day by worshipping God and spending time meditating on His word. Breakfast with family, read a bit of the newspaper and even got to play the piano for awhile.

I HAD A VERY PLEASANT SURPRISE AT SCHOOL TODAY COS YR, MY NUMBA ONE, BOUGHT ME TAU HUAY AND HAD YQ TO SEND ME A SPEEEECIAL DELIVERY. I was melting in sweetness and I felt very loved :D

Either than that, meeting up with OGGB and finally buying my nude coloured nail polish was pretty much the highlight of my day! Looks like its back to work work work work work & awesome weather! Maybe I should wear my yellow blazer again...

Everywhere I Go

Had a great evening with my family :) A few rounds of billiard with my siblings, beer and a sumptuous dinner. Thought it was really nice to do something different for our usual family day out for someone's birthday! Playing my guitar today was great since I'm pushing myself to learn new chords and new songs now. I ate a banana today :D & I'm still craving for tau huay!! My hands smell nice from the hand soap I used today after dinner :)

I want to give thanks to God for sustaining me in the past 4 weeks. It was hectic, I barely ate, slept like a pig, felt like giving up many times but finished the block on a good note! Jehovah Jireh, God our provider. God has been my source of creativity and has been helping me get my props for my work! All would not be possible without God by my side :)

I serve an awesomeeeeeee God!

Cold Splinters

Photograph by Nicholas Haggard

I feel sick. Been having a very queazy stomach lately, indigestion all. Cold is still lingering, and was coughing badly today. & I'll really need to hide under my covers for tonight!

Photograph by Nicholas Haggard

When the flame of worship burns with the heat of God's true worth, the light of missions will shine to the most remote people on earth.

What is it for me to have a yielded spirit, a devotion to the will of God, and a deep sense of call?

Photograph by Nicholas Haggard

I wonder how my future home would look like. Probably messy and filled with little treasures everywhere.

Photograph by Nicholas Haggard

Thick eyebrows are supposed to look masculine and fierce, but for some reason, this photographer manages to make her look absolutely gorgeous here. I realised I kind of like images that portray silence. Slightly cold, quiet, tone down colours. It's a strange but quiet beauty that I really appreciate.

Photograph by Nicholas Haggard

I think my hair is growing longer & I would love to own a floaty blue dress. Gdnight cyber world.

Sweet Serenity

Photograph by Nicolas Dodi

I like the cold breezes that run through my fingers & I kind of miss the smell of chlorine. Grow hair, grow!!

Frilly dresses & deep desires

Photographs from www.zipia.net

You know how there are some things that you want so much but you know you can't have it? I feel it everyday...

all the time.

Revelry

Photograph by Alla Nestulova

It's been a great morning :) My father gave me a kiss in the morning when he saw me working at the dining table.

Submission here I come!

Spiral Staircase

Photograph by Kramer Oneill

With only one more working day left I need to run as fast as my legs can carry me. God bless me with productivity!! WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH~

The World Is A Strange Strange Place

Photograph from somewhere I forgot... er someone's tumblr?

I'm sorry if my past entries have bored you. School's pretty much the same, except DODDAY(do or die day) is this week & I am sucked dry of energy surplus. Stomach's been a weirdass dood and giving me queasy attacks and the cold hasn't let me off either. Sigh... sad life of mary. BUT I WILL FINISH STRONG!!!

Mood swings are coming in, I feel myself getting crazier each day. Rock songs are boring me. I feel like eating bananas. Orange juice is back in da fridge :D I want to have long amazing hair. I feel like I need to laugh until I cry. Been enjoying good family breakfast and dinners the past two days! I sooooooo need a massage for my aching shoulders. I'm getting easily irritable and I need to control myself. I am surrounded by weird peopleeeeeeeeee. COS ASIAN BOY JUST WANNA EAT RICEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I am hooked unto that youtube video. Go search "asian boy just wanna eat rice". Must type "wanna" and click the first link. Neam neam neam neam.

May God cause me to increase in my patience, keep us healthy & multiply time for all of us to meet our deadlines. In Jesus' most precious name, amen.

Photograph by Lukasz Wierzbowski

So many things on my mind.
But at least for now, sleep is all I ask for.

Mieke Van de Voort

Been reading up on inspiring photographers. Here's one from "reGeneration 50 photographers of tomorrow". Mieke Van de Voort shot a series "People who died alone." She allows us into the private lives of the recently deceased. Carried out in collaboration with Amsterdam social services, the project shows the interiors of the apartments just as they were found by social workers who were researching the identity of people who had died without any known friends or relations. within the context of a wider examination of the isolation and anonymity that affect city-dwellers, Van de Voort tries to preserve both a physical and spiritual trace of people forgotten by the world, who died in complete solitude.

I was so intrigued by her work that I researched a little and found an email regarding her thought process and opinions about the houses she shot. Managed to scan in the pictures from the book to share with everyone :)

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hi. I am writing to you from Amsterdam.some thoughts I have concerning the struggle with possesion of objects and illusions if you want.



in one of my artprojects I have searched for people that live isolated from society. They have died in Amsterdam and had no-one to take care of their funeral and other affairs that need to be sorted out after death. Instead, a department of social services does the job. I took photographs of the interiors of their houses, more or less in the state they left it when they died. When one looks at these images it is easy to think that they have resigned from society and given up on order and structure in their own lives as well. The rooms certainly don¹t look like the inhabitants were expecting any visitors. most of the houses were quite a mess. the messes differed in quality.for example: many 'pretty' things like little sculptures and paintings and furniture, nicely displayed though too many to be able to appreciate,gathering thick layers of dust.

or: a mess of construction elements such as wood, paint, tools etc. at acertain point in time the diseased had started to rebuild the interior of his house (perhaps in a moment of excitement. a start to reorganise life by making the personal environment look better, changing things beginning with the living room in order to have a more pleasant surrounding and to change one's inner life by changing the reflection of it in the way things are ordered). but somewhere the realization of good intensions had got stuck and what was first only a mess of transition became a permanent landscape. The new interior looked appocalyptic, so what did it matter if to this mess ashtrays and bottles and trash were added?. in the bedroom I found a walkietalkie on a blackened pillow, half-finished paintings and a halfempty bottle of milk.

or: a house with 4 rooms each of them stuffed with things piled up inmountains along the sides and in the middle. thousands of collected items impossible to retrieve because they have disappeared under another thousands of items.




sometimes my own appartment starts taking on similar features. too manythings inhabit my space. intimidating chaos. I start to sort them out and strand in the process because I can't decide on what to do and because the items bring on memories or trigger trains of thought that I can't stop and I forget what I was doing. so many unfinished stories, where is the beginning, what were my plans? the mess around me increases the mess inside my head. I forget who I am. how did these things ever enter my house? who was I when I brought them in? how did I become so fragmented?

some of the houses I photographed were very empty. on the wall only a cutout newspaper photograph of the previous queen, nothing more personal than that.

I used to have a friend long ago who only possessed as many things as she could carry by herself.

I once read an excerpt of a novel, I think it was Paul Auster's, where the protagonist creates structure in daily life by organising things in terms of colour. for example: monday's dinner: only green foods. tuesdays dinner: only orange etc. limiting choice by colour. or is it 'directing' rather than limiting choice?

artificially setting preferences to have a basis to act on. what kind of framework do you use in daily life? live by the rules of the Q'ran? make art that cannot be sold? have seven sets of clothes that are identical so you don't have to think about what to wear? only travel to places that are in walking distance? never watch tv, only movies? etc



In one of the houses I found a Mount Everest on the kitchentable of unopened mail and most rooms were inaccessibly stocked. It seemed as though this person had been living like a reckloose among remnants of the past and was in denial of the existence of an outside world. But when I looked moreclosely I found out he had all this amateur broadcasting equipment and had kept a diary of whom he was speaking to in which part of the world. Although he lived in a capital city with nearly one million people in his proximity, it seemed he chose to have contact with people merely from a distance, in a non-physical reality. Or was it a choice?

I have a specific relationship with newspapers. I am never able to read them for more than a few days in a row. but I don't throw them away because I think I might still read the bits that I didn't cover and the ones I didn't read at all beacuse I am sure there are lots of interesting things inside.

by the time the pile grows larger than myself and falls over, I start negotiating to get rid of it because I get tired of restoring the pile each time a tram comes by and not having read the papers and adding more to it. the passing of time is manifested in the pile and I dont find reconciliation. I end up throwing them away or making some silly artpiece out of them, always with a sense of loss. the newspaper as a mirror of how I thought life would be and how it turns out to be. a collection of possibilities gone, of opportunities missed.

I once told a southafrican guy about the relationship I had had with mySouth african husband. I told him why we broke up and that I couldn't deal with his desillusions and that being desillusioned had broken him down and that I was another contribution to the collection of desillusions. hereplied that it was the stupidest thing in life to be desillusioned because one shouldn't have illusions in the first place. I felt upset.




in one of the houses I found a note on the wall, saying:

'and when I am dead
dont be sad
for I am not really dead
you should know
it is only my body
that I left behind
dead I am only
when you have forgotten me'

I wondered if anyone else but him had ever read that note and if there was anyone to make sure he wasn't really dead.

up to here for now. I have to start tidy up things!

regards, mieke


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People who died alone... hmm.. food for thought. Perhaps a little too profound and heavy on thoughts today.

Pretty tunes and silly dreams

Photograph by Margaret Durow

I had a weird dream last night. Was racing with some VSC yr3 seniors I occasionally smile at. We were all riding pink bikes. (hey legendary trio when are we gonna bike again) And I was riding a really really small one. We were at somewhere like the bedok jetty but everything that I viewed was tinted with some pink. Somehow I lost them and ended up at kovan macs, where everything was 20cents more expensive. Apparently that 20cents raise had scared off all possible clients, and the whole place was eerily empty. I still went ahead to get my cheeseburger and coke anyway. And then somewhere before or after I dreamt that I was in the photo studio shooting again. It's almost as if my muscles were reenacting my daily routine.

Just when I thought I was okay, it came back again.
The cold is back.
I give up.
Tissue please.

Threads of destiny

It'll be cooler to play ambient music while reading this entry. I got hooked unto "This Will Destroy You" after hearing one of their vids on Z's entries. All along I have acknowledged this undying desire for b&w photography. & recently I've been viewing some really awesome photographs that really inspire me to take b&w photog seriously as a lifetime thing in the future. So here are the sources of my inspiration and I feel that it is just so amazing and I love how it draws me towards them.




Dodo Jing Ming
This photographer takes hauntingly beautiful images. It's actually just b&w negatives of sunflower fields but it looks like a whole raid of blacked hooded creeps. Had to stare at the image for quite a while.




Max Pam
This guy documented Tibetan nomads in 1977. They look like fictional characters that you'd never ever see in your life.






Frame after frame of stunning photographs by different people. It's almost like holding on to that story each person has. I need to do that. I need to get out there in the world and do something amazing. I need to get out there and document people's lives.





I always believe that destiny is not something we can create or change on our own. Our destiny lies in God's hands and all we need to do is find it. Find alignment in our sense of purpose in our life. My destiny is God & God's plans will determine mine. & passion towards whatever you love is placed by God Himself and in that manner, we move according to His Will, His Plan.




I'm giving myself 10yrs to let God maximize my life. I'm giving God the best years of my life. That while I am pursuing my dreams to do what I love, I will be letting God take over my life and change me radically. To stretch my faith, to bring me to greater heights, to impact people's lives in any area or place I am in.





Our future is running towards us into the present and receding into our past. What are you going to do about yours today?